Tuesday, August 4, 2015



Obama is pissed at his daughters... 
Caught the girls drinking out of a Redneck Solo Cup 
and watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns in the White 

A group of American tourists was being guided through 
an ancient castle in Europe. 
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. 
Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, 
nothing replaced in all those years." 
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the 
same landlord I have." 

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too 
far from the stage. 
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have 
to watch a mystery close up. 
Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man 
hands the usher a quarter. 
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, 
"The wife did it." 
When I was at Wimbledon, I was talking to this guy 
who said he was a ball boy, I told him I was more of 
a breast man myself. 

Discovered that my wife can talk to me 
I'm returning it. 

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home...
1.Its named Heaven's Waiting Room. 
2.Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: 
Warrior Princess. 
3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control. 
4.Its named Matlock Manor. 
5.No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets. 
6.Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and 
broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man. 
7.You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's 
office down the hall. 
8.Rectal thermometers made of wood. 
9.Two words: Community Bedpan. 

Q: What kind of name would Miley Cyrus and Terminator 
gave to their first baby?
A: The Twerkinator!

The clear history button in your browser has saved 
more lives than Superman.

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing 
and brownnosing?
A: Depth perception.

A cop pulled me over and said “Papers…” 
So I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off 

I'm convinced that my washing machine...
is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop 
around in my socks.