Sunday, August 16, 2015



My boss said to me.....
"Why is it that when things go wrong you always 
blame somebody else?" 
I said, "No, you're thinking of Steve.. 
He's the one always blaming others.."

I don't care about the museum..
I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy 
who goes to museums..

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, 
only a married person can get divorced..

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and 
sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
Yes, says the receptionist irritably..
Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful 
hurry, could you check me out, please....
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down..
Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all..

Apparently, "No kidding!" isn't a good response 
when your boss says he's confused. 

Stock market report...
Helium was up, feathers were down.. 
Paper was stationary.. 
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.. 
Knives were up sharply.. 
Cows steered into a bull market.. 
Pencils lost a few points.. 
Hiking equipment was trailing.. 
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their 
slow decline.. 
Weights were up in heavy trading.. 
Light switches were off.. 
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.. 
Diapers remained unchanged. 
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.. 
The market for raisins dried up.. 
Coca Cola fizzled.. 
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.. 

My wife is finally starting to accept me… 
for who she wants me to be..

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the 
finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of
 the man.

I don't have schizophrenia...
At least that's what the voices tell me..

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal 
has to buy the license..