Wednesday, August 19, 2015

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I worked for a company fixing counter clocks.. 
They hired me because I was (get ready for it)... 
counter clock wise! 

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My wife just had plastic surgery...
I cut up all her credit cards! 

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Girls mature faster than guys… 
men don’t usually develop breasts until their 50’s or 60’s..

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I hate when homeless people... 
shake their change cups at me..
I get it, you have more money than me, no need to be 
a jerk about it..

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Ever notice how... 
the lottery officials always pick the wrong numbers? Jerks!

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Those adorable idiosyncrasies...
you loved when first dating? 
After 20 years of marriage they become what the police
refer to as "motive.."   

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It may not look like it but… 
I'm actually quite handsome.. 

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? 
Me: To be honest I'm so shit faced I have no idea..

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It just dawned on me  why Mayberry was so peaceful..
No one was married.. 
Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, 
Aunt Bea, Floyd, Barney, Goober, Gomer, Ernest T Bass, 
the Darlin Family, Clara, Thelma Lou, Helen and Howard; 
in fact only one that was married was Otis and he stayed 
drunk...... Probably just a coincidence..

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I had to quit my job.. 
I was working in a factory stuffing feather pillows all day..
 I was always feeling down.. 

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