Wednesday, August 19, 2015



I worked for a company fixing counter clocks.. 
They hired me because I was (get ready for it)... 
counter clock wise! 

My wife just had plastic surgery...
I cut up all her credit cards! 

Girls mature faster than guys… 
men don’t usually develop breasts until their 50’s or 60’s..

I hate when homeless people... 
shake their change cups at me..
I get it, you have more money than me, no need to be 
a jerk about it..

Ever notice how... 
the lottery officials always pick the wrong numbers? Jerks!

Those adorable idiosyncrasies...
you loved when first dating? 
After 20 years of marriage they become what the police
refer to as "motive.."   

It may not look like it but… 
I'm actually quite handsome.. 

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? 
Me: To be honest I'm so shit faced I have no idea..

It just dawned on me  why Mayberry was so peaceful..
No one was married.. 
Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, 
Aunt Bea, Floyd, Barney, Goober, Gomer, Ernest T Bass, 
the Darlin Family, Clara, Thelma Lou, Helen and Howard; 
in fact only one that was married was Otis and he stayed 
drunk...... Probably just a coincidence..

I had to quit my job.. 
I was working in a factory stuffing feather pillows all day..
 I was always feeling down..