Monday, August 17, 2015



I flipped off a Latino guy who cut me off in 
traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the 
Republican primary..

I think my cats hate people as much as I do..
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the 
bed with me.. 

Sorry I'm late. 
I got stuck in internet traffic..

What does it take to make a book a best seller? 
A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl..

I found an ad in my newspaper this morning which 
My wife insisted I make the call.. 
I called up. It was a liquor shop offer: 
'Buy 3 and get 1 free'....

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out 
a .38 revolver.. 
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, 
and then asked the navigator, 
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly,. "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who 
get me lost!.."
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place 
it on his chart table..
The pilot asked, "What's that for?.."
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, 
"I'll know we're lost before you will.."

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner..
The conversation drifted from office, sports to 
politics and then to cooking.. 
“I got a cook book once” said Larry.. 
“But I couldn’t do anything with it..” 
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank..
 “You said it, Larry replied, nodding.. 
“Every one of those recipes began the same way: 
“Take a clean plate…” 

Whatever you do in life, always give 100 per cent...........
unless you're donating blood..

I found an email in my junk folder from 
The subject is “Dear Match Customer, Unlock 
Your Account”.... 
No idea why they sent it - I don't have an account 
Heck, I don't even use matches... 

When life hands you a komodo dragon, suddenly 
the times you got lemons seem pretty cool..