Monday, August 17, 2015

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I flipped off a Latino guy who cut me off in 
traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the 
Republican primary..

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I think my cats hate people as much as I do..
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the 
bed with me.. 

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Sorry I'm late. 
I got stuck in internet traffic..

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What does it take to make a book a best seller? 
A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl..

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I found an ad in my newspaper this morning which 
read, 'ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW, 
WE CAN HELP!' 
My wife insisted I make the call.. 
I called up. It was a liquor shop offer: 
'Buy 3 and get 1 free'....

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out 
a .38 revolver.. 
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, 
and then asked the navigator, 
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly,. "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who 
get me lost!.."
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place 
it on his chart table..
The pilot asked, "What's that for?.."
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, 
"I'll know we're lost before you will.."

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Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner..
The conversation drifted from office, sports to 
politics and then to cooking.. 
“I got a cook book once” said Larry.. 
“But I couldn’t do anything with it..” 
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank..
 “You said it, Larry replied, nodding.. 
“Every one of those recipes began the same way: 
“Take a clean plate…” 

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Whatever you do in life, always give 100 per cent...........
unless you're donating blood..

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I found an email in my junk folder from Match.com. 
The subject is “Dear Match Customer, Unlock 
Your Account”.... 
No idea why they sent it - I don't have an account 
there... 
Heck, I don't even use matches... 

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When life hands you a komodo dragon, suddenly 
the times you got lemons seem pretty cool..

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