Sunday, August 23, 2015



I donated my car to cars4kids.. 
the next day I saw a kid driving my donated car 
through the Mcdonald's drive thru...

Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means.. 
I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to 
kill me.. 

Answering Machine Message 19....
Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is 
Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief 
message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be 
returned as soon as humanly possible..

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot? 
A: A walkie-talkie..

This is Captain Sinclair speaking.. 
On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British 
Airways flight 602 from New York to London.. 
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway 
across the Atlantic..
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the 
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are 
on fire..
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will 
observe that the port wing has fallen off..
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see 
a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you..
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air 
This is a recorded message...... Have a good flight!”

No thanks private caller, I don't even answer the phone 
when I know who it is..

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your 
What's your excuse?" 
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day .. 
So I decided to wait until it settles down!"  

 "Alcohol is just water with feelings in it," said the girl who 
failed chemistry..

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he 
would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you 
to be good?
Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?" 

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match 
on television.. 
The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing.. 
It only lasted for 30 seconds!” 
“Good,” replied his wife.. 
“Now you know how I always feel..” 

 [at the pet store]
 Me: I'd like a baby lizard please..
 [later at home]
 Me: isn't he cute?
 Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor..