Monday, August 24, 2015



I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would 
have changed my plans for the evening significantly..

 A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, 
‘Do you serve women in this bar?’
‘No,’ replies the barman, ‘you have to bring your own.’

I had to fill out a job application..
On it, where it says: 
"In case of emergency, please notify" 
I wrote: DOCTOR ..
What the hell is my mother going to do..? 

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough 
physical examination..
"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up 
drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from 
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient.. 
"What's second best?" 

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," 
my dad told me..
"Are you kidding? 
Really?" I shouted..
"Yup, get ready," he said..
"They'll be picking you up in about an hour.."

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair 
who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.. 

I have good and bad news..
WIFE: Bad news first..
We need a new front door..
WIFE: And the good news?
 [points to Monster Truck in living room] 

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini..
 The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill 
on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.. 
The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it 
carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.. 
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in 
the doorway staring at him.. 
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see 
that fellow just now? 
Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar
 tip, and rushed out without paying..”

Red Bull and Vodka… 
because you want to be wide awake for this mistake..

 [opens door for two Jehovah's witnesses]
Ugh...ok come in.. 
The goat blood is in a vial on the table.. 
I'll get the virgin from the basement..