Saturday, August 8, 2015



How to stay sober during the GOP Debate drinking 
games: Take a shot every time someone tells the truth..

So I went to get my teeth cleaned, when the doc came 
in I said hey doc kill any Lions lately? 
He laughed! 
I laughed! 
Anyone know a good dentist let me know.! 

My wife can spot a tiny stain on my shirt... 
from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when
she’s backing up? 

Someone asked my grandfather if he wears diapers. 
My grandfather said "Depends" 
On what? the guy asked. 
On my ass, said my grandfather, where else? 

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
"What? Why?"
It sounds boring and there's no way that couple 
makes it..
"It's OUR wedding!" 

We had random drugs testing at work today… 
but couldn't decide which one was best.. 

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year… 
only 13 to go..

"I'm excited for the continental breakfast"
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
"What the..."
Sign: Today's Continent is Antartica..

[ I see a cute girl reading a novel ]
"Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-"
*points at book*
"That you support the murder of trees." 

If I can't pronounce your name after meeting you, 
you will from that point forward be addressed as "bro." 

Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship 
status to "single". 
I fight with my parents, and don't change my status 
to "orphan"..