Saturday, August 15, 2015



[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show..
Me: What's wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.. 

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? 
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a 
football game! 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of 
man your wife would have preferred..

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn 
family like your mother in-law crashing your 

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce..

Marriage means commitment..
 Of course, so does insanity.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, 
but it was changed because nobody crosses 
Chuck Norris and lives..

The Wifi and the deodorant of the person sitting 
next to me on this flight did not work..

Homeless dude asked me for $10.. 
Thought it was greedy but realized that we were 
standing outside Whole Foods..
Totally legitimate request.

Suspect you have schizophrenia? 
Don't worry, you're not alone. .