Sunday, July 26, 2015



When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years 
ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool 
as great as Donald Trump. 

Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role 
I told her I had a headache. 

"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends 
all have silverware?"
Because they're poor and have to reuse everything.

SON: I'm moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you 
can't stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist. 

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, 
"Gimme a Burger and fries!" 
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
 "Go to He** you B*stard!" he snapped, before walking 
off with his food. 
I just love working in the prison canteen! 

If I ever got sent to the electric chair, 
I would order a tub of butter for my last meal 
And a boat load of un-popped pop corn. 

*sees lost cat* Hey buddy you lost?
*reads tag* here's a phone number
 *dials number*
 *little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing* 

Certainly wasn't expecting roast chicken for dinner on 
my first day in prison, 
But according to my slightly too friendly new cell mate... 
'White meat's back on the menu tonight!' 

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.

Growing old is hard work, the mind say "yes" the body 
says "what the hell are you thinking" 

Thirty years ago I murdered my wife and children. 
I then stabbed to death her parents, my parents and 
all our friends. 
It was an episode in my life I regret terribly, now. 
I finally get released tomorrow ....
And there's no one to pick me up!