Sunday, July 26, 2015

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When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years 
ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool 
as great as Donald Trump. 

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Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role 
reversal. 
I told her I had a headache. 

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"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends 
all have silverware?"
Because they're poor and have to reuse everything.

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SON: I'm moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you 
can't stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist. 

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Some guy walked up to the counter and said, 
"Gimme a Burger and fries!" 
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
 "Go to He** you B*stard!" he snapped, before walking 
off with his food. 
I just love working in the prison canteen! 

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If I ever got sent to the electric chair, 
I would order a tub of butter for my last meal 
And a boat load of un-popped pop corn. 

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*sees lost cat* Hey buddy you lost?
*reads tag* here's a phone number
 *dials number*
 *little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing* 

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Certainly wasn't expecting roast chicken for dinner on 
my first day in prison, 
But according to my slightly too friendly new cell mate... 
'White meat's back on the menu tonight!' 

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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.

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Growing old is hard work, the mind say "yes" the body 
says "what the hell are you thinking" 

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Thirty years ago I murdered my wife and children. 
I then stabbed to death her parents, my parents and 
all our friends. 
It was an episode in my life I regret terribly, now. 
I finally get released tomorrow ....
And there's no one to pick me up! 

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