There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on
it saying "Don't eat me."
I left an empty plate with my own note:
"I don't take orders from a cake."
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time,
so tonight I'm cooking.
Warnings are so stupid.
Like on deodorant: "Avoid contact with eyes."
Too late, I've already seen it.
At my mother-in-law's funeral my wife whispered to me,
"You're gonna pay for this!"
I don't know what she was so angry about.
Maybe it was because I was not sharing my popcorn ...
It's amazing how fast your mood can change after
you step in some water with socks on.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from
"Tell me why."
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you,
sugar is bad for you.
But don't worry,because that's bad for you too.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our
seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes.
She was a kind soul.
After 20 years, two college rivals bumped into each other.
"Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?''
asked the first.
"Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and
now I run marathons."
"That’s great!" replied the other man.
"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I
used to be shy and a poor student?
Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make
hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."
"That's great!" came the reply.
"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked.
"Have you changed at all?"
"Well, yes I have”, replied the second man.
"Remember how brutally honest I used to be,
and how when someone said something uninteresting,
I would reply, 'I don't give a shit'?"
"Well, now I just say,'that’s great'!"
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."
Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have
sex 10 or 15 times a night?"
The other guy says, "Damn, and I just joined the Rotary Club."