Saturday, July 18, 2015



“Proper punctuation can make the difference between 
a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, 
well, written.”

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he 
was being audited.
He showed up at the appointed time and place with 
all his financial records, then sat for what seemed 
like hours as the accountantpored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, 
"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur 
Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on 
your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made 
in his entire career."

I went for a job interview and things went so well, 
 they wanted to give me the company for free. 
 I distinctly heard the interviewer say to his coworker: 
 Let's give this guy the business. 

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, 
so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. 
"Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation 
and there is a lot that can go wrong. 
I will have to remove half your brain". 
"That's OK" said the Englishman. 
"I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to 
take the risk". 
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke 
to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. 
"I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. 
"Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole 
brain out". 
The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!" 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the 
English language. 
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I finally feel beautiful about myself....
I just had five shots of vodka...

Actual answers given by contestants on the game 
show The Family Feud:
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate 

Was hitting on a girl and she said that she was a 
I said "Really? How are things in Beirut" 

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell 
out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things 
awkward for couples.

If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date you 
probably have small boobs...