Friday, July 17, 2015



Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a 
man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle....

I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here 
to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think 
I'm there to do....

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? 
A: Artificial intelligence. 

A young woman is widowed after only a few years of marriage,
and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is 
thinking of marrying again.
"Right now, no," the young woman answers. 
"I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control."

My internal GPS is MIA, so when giving me directions, 
please don't use confusing words like "east," "west," "north" 
or "south."

I would have to say the first 15 hours of being awake are 
probably the most exhausting.

I think the condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next 
to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, 
a compass can help you get lost more north.

Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. 
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.