Sunday, July 19, 2015



A new study has shown that women who have more 
sleep have better sex. 
The study was conducted by Bill Cosby. 

Why does a milking stool only have three legs? 
Because the cow has the udder.

A friend of mine, not being able to decide between reed 
and stringed instruments, recently purchased an alto 
saxophone and a couple of fiddles. 
He lives in a small apartment and doesn't really have 
a good place to keep them so he built a rack that fits 
over the television set. 
His wife, however, won't let him keep them there.
She says that there's already too much sax and violins 
on TV.....

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food 
in the microwave and then enter your pin number. 

Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? 
He wanted to run his fingers through his hair. 

Women always call me ugly until they find out how 
much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she 
shows him into the living room. 
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them 
some snacks and drinks. 
As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little 
vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back 
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to 
get an ashtray."

Is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a 
top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts 
to eat...

I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. 
It was a booby trap....

There are two kinds of people. 
Those who wake up in the morning and say, 
"Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the 
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."