Tuesday, July 7, 2015



My wife said she wanted more excitement in 
the bedroom. 
So I bought one of those beds that looks like 
a racing car.

"Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. 
If you're calling about a matter related to 
George Zimmerman, please press 2. 
Otherwise, stay on the line..." 

I always put a crouton on my ice cream 
sundaes instead of a cherry. 
That way, it counts as a salad! 

Attorney: Can you explain what “state-dependent memory” refers to? 
Witness: Yes. If a law student is drinking while studying for the exam, 
he would do well to bring beer into the examination, 
because he’ll be better able to re-create whatever 
it is he studied if he’in a similar state of intoxication. 
Court: That’s a novel thought. 
Witness: You see why I’m no longer teaching at the law school.

You know you're sad when a broken router 
puts an end to your sex life..

Counsel (to man in hallway): Are you a witness, 
victim, or defendant? 
Man: I’m the guy who did it.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this 
girl with some Elvis. 
I swear that's the last time I sing "You ain't 
nothin but a hound dog" 

Q: Were you involved in a romantic relationship 
with her? 
A: I ain’t involved in no romantic relationship 
with her...... I’m married to her.

I feel sad . . .
for limbless people because they can't make snow 
Only snow peanuts.

An American businessman goes to China on a 
business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he 
asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place 
around where he can get American food. 
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a 
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. 
The concierge gives the businessman the phone 
number, and he goes back to his room and orders 
a pizza. 
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up 
to the door with the pizza. 
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts 
sneezing uncontrollably. 
He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did 
you put on this pizza?" 
The delivery man bows deeply and says, 
"We put on the pizza what you ordered, 
pepper only."