Wednesday, July 22, 2015



My wife is into all that hippy food. 
She only drinks almond milk. 
That's cool and all, but I just can't figure out how they 
know which almonds are male and which are female. 
You don't wanna tug on the wrong ones and end up 
with something other than milk! 

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should 
hire you.
Me: I'm good with numbers. 

Facebook is like jail... 
You are not allowed to talk to anyone you don't know. 
You get poked by people you don't know. 
And you write on walls and waste a lot of time. 

I made a chicken salad last night. 
Apparently they prefer to eat grain. 

There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... 
"Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by 

"Sacre gray!" 
- Colorblind French guy 

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled 
“Hey, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit 
wherever I want.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that 
shark attack...
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows .......

Three fans were bemoaning...
the sorry state of their football team. 
“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. 
“If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” 
“I blame the players,” said the second fan. 
“If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.” 
“I blame my parents,” said the third. 
“If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be supporting a decent team.” 

Vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town last 
They really pulled out all the stops.