Thursday, July 23, 2015



My dog ate a bunch of tissues yesterday. 
Looks like his ass is going to wipe itself for awhile.

I asked this girl to text me when she got home
Hmmm, she must be homeless....

A old man is walking down the street when he sees a 
beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. 
As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up 
over her head. 
Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place 
and turns a little red from embarrassment. 
Not wanting to cause further distress and hoping to 
make light of the situation, the old man calls out, 
"Airy, ain't it?" 
Angry, the woman yells back, "What did you expect?? 

"hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] 
"what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut 
in my eye. 

If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. 
My superpower would be foiling crime. 

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends 
insisted that nothing had happened that could not be 
explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, 
but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch 
black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice 
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other 
three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

My home pregnancy test came back negative. 
I guess my house is just getting fat. 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. 
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going 
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home,
I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...

Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they try 
hard enough.

I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid 
they are of Godzilla.