Friday, July 31, 2015



I've had 10 auto accidents in the last month..... 
hey, insurance companies, newsflash: 
nobody's perfect. 

Whats difference between Britain and the USA? 
In Britain they only go down on one knee when they greet 
their leaders. 

11.45: Arrived at crime scene.
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain.
11.45: Realized watch was broken.....

Wanted: Person to inflate balloons. 
The ideal candidate must know how to blow things out 
of proportion.....

My mother was so overprotective, when we were young, 
we were only allowed to play rock, paper....

I broke my ankle playing golf. 
I fell off of the ball washer.

My wife just called me. 
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just 
received some flowers for Valentines Day. 
They are absolutely gorgeous." 
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received 
flowers then."

What do you call it when one toad beats up another toad? 
Toad rage....

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the 
defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can 
choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. 
“What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. 
“I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

 I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me 
how much my swords were worth without getting all 
nosy about where the blood came from. 

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently 
came upon a farmer working in his field. 
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher 
asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the 
Lord my good man?" 
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his 
work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." 
"You don't understand," said the preacher. 
"Are you a Christian?" 
With the same amount of interest as his previous 
answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. 
You must be lookin for Jim Christian. 
He lives a mile south of here." 
The young determined preacher tried again asking the
farmer, "Are you lost?" 
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. 
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated 
preacher asked. 
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, 
"When's it gonna be?" 
Thinking he had accomplished something the young 
preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the 
next day." 
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping 
his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention 
it to my wife. 
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all 
three days." 

 •phone call•
Wife: Want a free couch?
Me: Free? Yes!
Wife: How do we pick it up?
Me: Lift with your legs, not your back.
Wife: *click*