••
♥
It's almost county fair time and all that
wonderful food you just can't get anywhere
else. Deep fried pickles, deep fried Twinkies,
and the very best - deep fried butter.
Can't weight!
••
Lumber yard...Then there was the gal who
KNEW what she wanted: a screen for a
STANDARD window.
Well, size? It's a standard window!"
••
Scientists warn the sun will 'go to sleep' in
2030 and could cause temperatures to
plummet.
They also predict a population boom 9
months later.
••
Pope Francis said The Roman Catholic
church must strip itself of pride and humbly
serve the poorest members of society.
So next week 5 cardinals will host
The Jerry Springer Show....
••
Sign seen in London department store:
"Bargain Basement Upstairs"
••
A champion jockey is about to enter an
important race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race
and says, "All you have to remember with
this horse is that every time you approach
a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE
OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but
promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first
hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous
advice and the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second
hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers
'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens--the horse crashes
straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks,
"It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells,
"ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump
with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but
due to the earlier problems the horse only
finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey
what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--
it's this bloody horse...... What is he--deaf
or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF??
He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
••
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
••
The FDA is considering additional warnings
on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a
major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell the same boring story over
and over again until your friends want to
SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to thay shings like thish.
5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
morning.
••
Sign n a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.
daily."
••
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening
of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid."
••••
