Sunday, July 5, 2015



If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap 
in the weight section, I bet they could 
charge anything they want for a membership.
I’ve torn out my burglar alarm system & 
de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I’ve got four Syrian flags raised in my front 
garden, one at each corner and the black 
flag of ISIS in the centre. 
The local police, MI5, MI6, Special Branch 
and all the other intelligence services are all 
watching my house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

Sunburn is actually pretty crazy. 
Something 93 million miles away is 
burning you....

Dr. Williams was sleeping soundly when the 
sound of the phone ringing roused him from his 
deep slumber. 
He picked up the phone and growled, "Who is 
It was Katie, a young mother, who pleaded on the 
phone, "We need you to come over urgently. 
My kid has swallowed a contracptve."
Dr. Williams mumbled, "Okay, I am on my way."
While he was getting dressed, he got another call 
from Katie. 
"Doc", she said sounding calm, "Nevermind. 
My hubby found another one."

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending 
transmission from the Milky Way..
we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..
I'd like to come home....

Britain's fattest man has died.
The cremation will be next Tuesday, 
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...

“The first time I used an elevator it was really 
uplifting, then it let me down.”

Prosecutor: How fast was the car coming toward 
Witness: I am not a thermometer, so I can’t tell 
you the speed limit.

I think it's pretty irresponsible when newspapers 
don't post warnings when their Sunday comics 
contain Peanuts. 

My wife told me that I am very controlling. 
She'll stay locked in the closet with the dog collar 
on, until she apologizes for her comment. 

Attorney: What did the doctor tell you was the 
condition of the body when he performed the 
Witness: He described it as dead.