I feel so bad for all those women...
who gave me their phone numbers and when I call the
line has been disconnected.
This economy is ruthless.
ccording to my 401(k) account…
I can retire at age 247.
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said....
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the
other man "why didn't you raise your hand, private?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble, Sarge."
Several thousand years ago...
Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calender!"
Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 21.12.2012"
Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new
one before then.
I would have carried on on this stone but I ran out of room."
Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought
that the world was gonna end because you couldn't find
a bigger stone."
Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to
think that wouldn't you?"
The cops found pot on Willie Nelson's tour bus.
In other news, water is wet.
“Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry
and heads rolled.”
You know you're ugly......
when it comes to a group picture and they hand
you the camera.
A man is walking around the streets of New York
one day when he spies an old friend of his from
"Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages!
How have you been ?"
"Well," Boris replies.
"I am the piccolo player for the International
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend.
We play for the king of England, he loves the
He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they
fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone
with gold, and then there's me with the damn
"We play for the queen of France.
She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments
with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and
they fill the trombone with silver, and then
there's me with the damn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia.
He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments
up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the
trombone doesn't fit..and then there's me with
the damn piccolo!"
Hate to brag, but a cute policewoman
gave me her number today.
It's only 3 digits and she said it's only for emergencies,
but I know what she meant.
Mondays aren't so bad if you force yourself to
have a terrible weekend.