Tuesday, July 21, 2015



I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" 
so no one would bother stealing my signal. 

Me: omg can smoking weed make u hallucinate?
Dog making pancakes: lol that wasn't weed dude.... 

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, 
do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic 
to get to work? 

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here's more footage of people, but I'm sure 
apes will be in this film any minute now.. 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that 
was bigger and heavier than him. 
On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second 
fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby 
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to 
the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus with 
a cow?
A: An animal that can milk itself. 

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go 
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as 
to the weather forecast for the next few hours. 
The weatherman assured him that there was 
no chance of rain in the coming days. 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. 
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. 
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, 
you should return to the palace at once because in just 
a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in 
this area". 
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: 
"I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. 
He is an extensively educated and experienced 
professional, and I pay him very high wages. 
He gave me a very different forecast. 
I trust him and I will continue on my way." 
So they did. 
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the 
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their 
entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a 
shameful condition. 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the 
order to fire the weatherman at once! 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the 
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything 
about forecasting. 
I obtain my information from my donkey. 
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with 
certainty that it will rain." 
So instead, the King hired the donkey. 
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work 
in the government and occupy its highest and most 
influential positions. 

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously" 

If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind 
would be a gold medalist.