Monday, July 13, 2015



I always cry at the same spot in the movies. 
At the ticket window.....

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ... 
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after 
mass for me?" 
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, 
he agrees. 
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, 
asking him all sorts of stupid questions, 
just to keep him occupied. 
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike 
what he's really up to. 
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the 
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right 
now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." 
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... 
"You better hurry home now. 
My wife died a year ago". 

Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat.
But I refuse to apologize for climate change 
until they apologize for pissing on the carpet.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. 
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a 
sheet over her. 
The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the 
operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley
outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. 
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet 
up and starts examining her naked body. 
He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to 
another man in a white coat. 
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the 
same examinations. 
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, 
she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are 
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the 
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: 
"I have no idea....... We're just painting the corridor." 

The funniest part of being put under with nitrous 
at the dentist is getting home to find your underwear on backwards.

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in 
the long line of judgment. 
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed 
to march right through the gates of heaven.
Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into 
the burning pit. 
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, 
Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's 
curiosity got the best of him. 
So he strolled over and asked Satan.....
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. 
"I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering,
why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging 
them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. 
"They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn." 

I think I could make a pretty decent living as one 
of those people in infomercials who have immense 
difficulty performing everyday tasks. 

Dear Keebler elves, 100 calorie packs of 
cookies suck. 
I hope your tree burns down.....

Top ten ways that you know you are suffering 
from "job burnout" 
10. You're so tired; you now answer the 
phone, "Hell." 
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, 
and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is 
on fire, but go back to sleep because you just 
don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind; you've 
forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you 
make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because 
you know the pager will go off before the 
alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring 
your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be 
if you were in jail right now...

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry, etc. 
I only need a woman for one thing...
to let me know when I'm wrong.