Wednesday, July 1, 2015


For Me??


Don't be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths. 

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing 
is said.
I sharpie on a beard for November and suddenly 
everyone has something to say.  

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about 
the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

My lawyer said he wanted a retainer. 
I don't know why I should have to pay for his dental work.

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women. 
All they have to do is go to the supermarket and look 
for young women buying TV dinners and cat food....

I've always wanted to be one of those people who 
laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one 
who cries every time he leaves.

All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, 
are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism. 

A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and 
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 
"George and the Dragon." 
He knocked. 
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. 
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. 
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. 
"No!" she shouted. 
"Could I have a pint of ale?" 
"No!" she shouted. 
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" 
"No!" she shouted again. 
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" 
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him 
to finish. 
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word 
with George?" 

Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people 
can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three 
registers will be open. 

Bob Dylan's singing sounds like me insisting 
I'm okay to drive. 

The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes
 after the men had all retired for their afternoon 
"It's a terrible blaze at my house," the voice 
frantically cried. 
"The flames are licking through the basement 
and the first floor. 
Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place." 
"Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the 
fire chief. 
"Then there's no use our coming over. 
That's all we do."

Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food, 
I'ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what......