Don't be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing
I sharpie on a beard for November and suddenly
everyone has something to say.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about
the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My lawyer said he wanted a retainer.
I don't know why I should have to pay for his dental work.
I don't know why men go to bars to meet women.
All they have to do is go to the supermarket and look
for young women buying TV dinners and cat food....
I've always wanted to be one of those people who
laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one
who cries every time he leaves.
All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home,
are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.
A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word
Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people
can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three
registers will be open.
Bob Dylan's singing sounds like me insisting
I'm okay to drive.
The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes
after the men had all retired for their afternoon
"It's a terrible blaze at my house," the voice
"The flames are licking through the basement
and the first floor.
Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place."
"Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the
"Then there's no use our coming over.
That's all we do."
Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food,
I'ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what......