Wednesday, July 8, 2015



Counsel (to witness): Are you telling the truth? 
Prosecutor: Objection; irrelevant.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. 
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore. 

I got fired as a tour guide in Vatican City. 
As I was talking about the Pope, we turned a 
corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil." 

The defendant said that prior to the offense, 
he’d hoped to become a physician. 
But he believes that with a felony conviction, 
he will be precluded from achieving that goal. 
So he is now considering becoming a lawyer.

Purse snatching is a great way to make some 
extra money while getting in some cardio. 

I don't know why I would want to "Keep Up" 
with them...
I don't even know where Kardashia is.
(geography's not my strong suit) 

An angry wife met her husband at the door. 
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on 
his collar. 
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good 
reason for you to come stumbling in here at 
six o'clock in the morning?" 
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast." 

Q: What has 2 wings and a halo? 
A: A Chinese telephone, Wing-wing, halo? 

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. 
Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting 
married or dying. 

A man picks up his girlfriend in his new Mercedes 
on the way back from a golf outing. 
She slides in the front seat, looks down, and sees 
a box of tees. 
"What are these for?" 
"That's what we put our balls on before we drive," he answers. 
"Wow," she replies, "the Germans really think of everything." 

I try to live each day like it's my last, which is 
why I rarely have clean socks. 
Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?