Wednesday, July 29, 2015


Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue 
represent freedom until they are flashing behind 
your car.

Answering Machine Message 97
"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; 
oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

This is a pretty shitty flash mob. 
It's in my living room, only my family showed up, 
and they're just telling me to stop drinking.

*nervously plays with tie*
"I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."
That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of 
the desk.

I am selling my snake ......
and some guy just called me and asked if it was big. 
I said, freak'n massive, he said how many feet? 
I said, none, it's a snake! 

People think Cupid is a symbol for love. 
Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your 
heart by a flying baby very horrifying. 

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. 
So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's 
almost not worth it...

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high 
tech. hospital?
It came out cordless! 

Just watched a 375 lb neckless man emerge from a 
Mini Cooper & now I feel like I've somehow experienced 
the miracle of birth.

Left hand people die sooner because of MSG poisoning 
from consuming the hundreds of spiders that crawl into 
their mouths over a lifetime. 
I guess that's better than getting killed by a penny 
dropped from the empire state building or failing math 
like Einstein.