Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list,
that you haven't even written yet...
"How come I've never seen cats making love
Cat to dog: "Do you want humans to steal
our style like they did yours?"
A guy says to the bartender,
"A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it.
What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure.
It was my doctor who mentioned it.
He said I should drink Less."
I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you.
Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags.
Thank god he only hit your face.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed,
I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?"
I'm funny that way.
One night a fellow drove his secretary home...
after she had imbibed a little too much at an
Although this was an innocent gesture, he
decided not to mention it to his wife,
who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were
driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a
high-heel shoe half hidden under the
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited
until his wife was looking out her window
before he scooped up the shoe and tossed
it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the
restaurant parking lot. T
hat's when he noticed his wife squirming
around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my
you are beautiful...
And you are amazing...
How can I make sure we see each other
She replies, "Meet me at Louis Vuitton on
Rodeo Boulevard in Beverley Hills."
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,"
urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to
celebrate your luck."
You know you've had some damn good weed
when you're eating your breakfast cereal
naked and your girlfriend shouts,
'Put your goddamn clothes on!' , and then
you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some
hot chick on a bus, and the bus is yellow...
and it stops at a middle school.
When I said 'You can't buy my love.'
I meant with your salary.