Friday, July 10, 2015

# 2760



Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list, 
that you haven't even written yet...

"How come I've never seen cats making love 
in public?" 
 Cat to dog: "Do you want humans to steal 
our style like they did yours?"  

A guy says to the bartender, 
"A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. 
What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. 
It was my doctor who mentioned it. 
He said I should drink Less."

I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. 
Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. 
Thank god he only hit your face.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, 
I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?"
I'm funny that way. 

One night a fellow drove his secretary home... 
after she had imbibed a little too much at an 
office reception. 
Although this was an innocent gesture, he 
decided not to mention it to his wife, 
who tended to get jealous easily. 
The next night the man and his wife were 
driving to a restaurant. 
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a 
high-heel shoe half hidden under the 
passenger seat. 
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited 
until his wife was looking out her window 
before he scooped up the shoe and tossed 
it out of the car. 
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the 
restaurant parking lot. T
hat's when he noticed his wife squirming 
around in her seat. 
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my 
other shoe?" 

you are beautiful... 
And you are amazing... 
How can I make sure we see each other 
She replies, "Meet me at Louis Vuitton on 
Rodeo Boulevard in Beverley Hills." 

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," 
urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to 
celebrate your luck."

You know you've had some damn good weed 
when you're eating your breakfast cereal 
naked and your girlfriend shouts, 
'Put your goddamn clothes on!' , and then 
you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some 
hot chick on a bus, and the bus is yellow...
and it stops at a middle school. 

When I said 'You can't buy my love.' 
 I meant with your salary.