Friday, July 31, 2015



I've had 10 auto accidents in the last month..... 
hey, insurance companies, newsflash: 
nobody's perfect. 

Whats difference between Britain and the USA? 
In Britain they only go down on one knee when they greet 
their leaders. 

11.45: Arrived at crime scene.
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain.
11.45: Realized watch was broken.....

Wanted: Person to inflate balloons. 
The ideal candidate must know how to blow things out 
of proportion.....

My mother was so overprotective, when we were young, 
we were only allowed to play rock, paper....

I broke my ankle playing golf. 
I fell off of the ball washer.

My wife just called me. 
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just 
received some flowers for Valentines Day. 
They are absolutely gorgeous." 
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received 
flowers then."

What do you call it when one toad beats up another toad? 
Toad rage....

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the 
defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can 
choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. 
“What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. 
“I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

 I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me 
how much my swords were worth without getting all 
nosy about where the blood came from. 

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently 
came upon a farmer working in his field. 
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher 
asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the 
Lord my good man?" 
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his 
work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." 
"You don't understand," said the preacher. 
"Are you a Christian?" 
With the same amount of interest as his previous 
answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. 
You must be lookin for Jim Christian. 
He lives a mile south of here." 
The young determined preacher tried again asking the
farmer, "Are you lost?" 
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. 
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated 
preacher asked. 
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, 
"When's it gonna be?" 
Thinking he had accomplished something the young 
preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the 
next day." 
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping 
his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention 
it to my wife. 
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all 
three days." 

 •phone call•
Wife: Want a free couch?
Me: Free? Yes!
Wife: How do we pick it up?
Me: Lift with your legs, not your back.
Wife: *click* 


Thursday, July 30, 2015




There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on 
it saying "Don't eat me." 
I left an empty plate with my own note: 
"I don't take orders from a cake." 

Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time, 
so tonight I'm cooking. 

Warnings are so stupid. 
Like on deodorant: "Avoid contact with eyes."
Too late, I've already seen it. 

At my mother-in-law's funeral my wife whispered to me, 
"You're gonna pay for this!" 
I don't know what she was so angry about. 
Maybe it was because I was not sharing my popcorn ...

It's amazing how fast your mood can change after 
you step in some water with socks on.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from 
"Tell me why."
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason. 

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, 
sugar is bad for you. 
But don't worry,because that's bad for you too.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our 
seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. 
She was a kind soul. 

After 20 years, two college rivals bumped into each other. 
"Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?'' 
asked the first. 
"Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and 
now I run marathons." 
"That’s great!" replied the other man. 
"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I 
used to be shy and a poor student? 
Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make 
hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit." 
"That's great!" came the reply. 
"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. 
"Have you changed at all?" 
"Well, yes I have”, replied the second man. 
"Remember how brutally honest I used to be, 
and how when someone said something uninteresting, 
I would reply, 'I don't give a shit'?" 
"Well, now I just say,'that’s great'!"

Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family." 
Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family. 

Two guys are sitting at a bar. 
One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have 
sex 10 or 15 times a night?" 
The other guy says, "Damn, and I just joined the Rotary Club." 


Wednesday, July 29, 2015


Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue 
represent freedom until they are flashing behind 
your car.

Answering Machine Message 97
"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; 
oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

This is a pretty shitty flash mob. 
It's in my living room, only my family showed up, 
and they're just telling me to stop drinking.

*nervously plays with tie*
"I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."
That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of 
the desk.

I am selling my snake ......
and some guy just called me and asked if it was big. 
I said, freak'n massive, he said how many feet? 
I said, none, it's a snake! 

People think Cupid is a symbol for love. 
Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your 
heart by a flying baby very horrifying. 

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. 
So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's 
almost not worth it...

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high 
tech. hospital?
It came out cordless! 

Just watched a 375 lb neckless man emerge from a 
Mini Cooper & now I feel like I've somehow experienced 
the miracle of birth.

Left hand people die sooner because of MSG poisoning 
from consuming the hundreds of spiders that crawl into 
their mouths over a lifetime. 
I guess that's better than getting killed by a penny 
dropped from the empire state building or failing math 
like Einstein. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015



Role playing didn't go so well last night. 
She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..
so I ditched class. 
Cause schools for nerds. 

We've learned alot more about what was going on in 
the '96 election thanks to Monica and Bob Dole's viagra 
It turns out that we had a challenger who couldn't 
"keep it up"
and a president who couldn't "keep it down"

lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after 
you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily 
but still look adorably cute.....

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. 
Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, 
stuffed crust,
extra toppings...

A Jehovah's Witness asked me if I knew Jesus. 
I said, "Of course. He mows my lawn every Saturday." 

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a 
painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of 
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. 
"They must be British." 
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. 
"They're naked, and so beautiful. 
Clearly, they are French." 
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, 
"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told 
this is paradise. 
They are Russian." 

I always tip the delivery guy an extra $2.00 if he doesn't look 
around for the other six people he thought the sushi would feed..

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other 

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.


Monday, July 27, 2015


Couple One liners....... 
1) I make Bear fajitas, they're called "Sizzly bears"? 

2) Ancient Vikings had a secret method of 
communication. It was called Norse Code ....

You know what's interesting? 
Practically no one in this country wants to admit they 
watch porn, yet it's a multi-billion dollar industry. 

daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
*grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't 
wash my hands... 

Five black men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were 
found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. 
DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. 
Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, 
down by the sea.  

It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a 
million bucks..

Gus looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

A Japanese man was caught in a revolving door.
He soon became disoriented. 

Teacher - "Peter, I am going to have to ban you from 
class permanently."
Peter - "why miss ?"
Teacher - "you disrupt the class, swear all day and 
worst of all you keep putting your hand up the girls 
skirts .
From now on you can drop your kid at school and pick 
him up at the normal time like the rest of the parents."

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them 
a surprise party.

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs 
telling deer where to cross the road.