Wife wins again ....She wanted a puppy.
But I didn't want a puppy.
So we compromised and got a puppy.
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior
to the birth of their first child.
After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp
and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible
The man and his wife were curious about what
the stamp was for, so when they got home, the
man took out his magnifying glass to try to see
what is was.
In very small letters, the stamp said,
“When you can read this, come back and see me.”
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Wife: Talking to yourself is the first sign of
Husband: I didn’t say anything!
Wife: I wasn’t talking to you!
They say you have to spend money to make money.
I Feel like there's some middle step I've been missing.
What burger joint won't Al Sharpton eat at?
In the classroom the teacher is asking a student
to do something.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."
Student: I is the ...
Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Pity the man with multiple children at university, for he is
getting poorer by degrees.
Girls can be so ungrateful.
I make her breakfast in bed and instead of saying "Thank you"
she is all like "How did you get into my house?"
Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 min before I
realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change because I don't want to get up and find the remote.