Friday, June 19, 2015



A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. 
When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his 
'generosity' and she said she could tell the character of a 
diner by the way he tipped. 
"Yea? What can you tell about me?" he asked. 
"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress. 
The first penny tells me you are tidy and the second tells 
me that you are a bachelor." 
"That's true," he agreed. 
"But what does the third penny tell you?" 
"The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too!" 

I came home from work the other day and found 
my best friend in bed with my wife. 
I said, "You bastard, I've known you since we 
were kids. 
You were my best man and my son's godfather. 
Hey, stop doing that while I'm talking to you......

goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements,
forgets what they're called......

According to my iPhone Health app, 
I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral 
buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.

My hobbies include reading books, 
eating snacks, and sending emails referencing 
attachments without the attachments. 

Recalled Christmas Toys..... 
1.Broken Bag-O-Glass 
2.Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit 
3.Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook 
4.Timothy McVays home Chemistry set 
5.Switchblade Barney 
6.Pork-n-Beany Babies 
7.Make your own moonshine kit 
8.Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action) 

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop 
sipping coffee. 
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. 
(Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) 
He spots Barry and joins him at the table. 
BARRY: Did you find a job? 
FELIX: Yeah. 
I got a job at a strip club helping the girls backstage to 
dress and undress. 
BARRY: How much? 
FELIX: Two hundred bucks a week. 
BARRY: That’s not much. 
FELIX: It’s all I could afford....

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--
I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

I never scrape my back window 
so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus 
decide if I'm gonna kill anyone....

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile 
house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering 
all over the place. 
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get 
them back in their cages. 
Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!"