Monday, June 22, 2015



My wife was complaining that nobody ever phoned her, 
so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car, and her
number on it...
The phone hasn't stopped ringing since. 

Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money. 
- Robin Williams -

You know you are addicted to the Internet when... 
You kiss your girlfriend's home page. 
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. 
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
 connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. 
And even your night dreams are in HTML. 
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, 
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.... 

He told me he was my daddy during sex. 
Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and 
asked him to pay off my student loans. 

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box 
filled with gold coins. 
In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife 
when I remembered why I was digging a hole. 

I always take my wife's side no matter what. 
She's fat enough without eating KFC potatoes and gravy...

You could make dinner for a toddler, 
or you could just cut out the middle man 
& throw away a plate of food and squirt 
ketchup on the dog.

If "she'll be riding six white horses when she 
comes", she's probably a little more woman than 
I can handle. 

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup. 

If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change, 
he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.