My wife was complaining that nobody ever phoned her,
so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car, and her
number on it...
The phone hasn't stopped ringing since.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money.
- Robin Williams -
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading....
He told me he was my daddy during sex.
Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and
asked him to pay off my student loans.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box
filled with gold coins.
In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife
when I remembered why I was digging a hole.
I always take my wife's side no matter what.
She's fat enough without eating KFC potatoes and gravy...
You could make dinner for a toddler,
or you could just cut out the middle man
& throw away a plate of food and squirt
ketchup on the dog.
If "she'll be riding six white horses when she
comes", she's probably a little more woman than
I can handle.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change,
he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.