Saturday, June 27, 2015



My wife told me that obesity is in her genes. 
I told her that isn't true, she looks fat in a skirt as well....

First the rebel flag, now it's packaging.... 
Some folks want cotton banned from the drug bottles..... 
Because they find it offensive to have to pick the cotton out.  

Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, 
an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s 
offensive remarks about Mexicans. 
Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant 
so Univision can’t get back in. 

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. 
I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the 
card was stolen...

You know you are addicted to the Internet when:
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you 
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, 
even though you've never had heart problems before. 
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have 
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can 
hear if new e-mail arrives. 
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind 
you of what she looks like. 
All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, 
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 
Your dog has its own home page. 
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 

“I visited an acupuncturist today. 
I was done in under an hour, he was quick and to the point.”

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had 
received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family 
on their way to church. 
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, 
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with 
their mothers and fathers." 
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, 
"So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" 

My daughter may only be one year old today, 
but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth 
grade level. 

British researchers have discovered around
8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient
Egyptian  burial ground. 
To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel 
all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard. 

 Why would America make the bald eagle its 
national bird when all they do is attack things 
and fly away and never mind I think I get it now.

Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. 
Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" 
warning on it?  
It just looked so delicious.