Sunday, June 14, 2015

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My friend's wife asked him, if she died tomorrow, 
when would he start sleeping with other women? 
He said, "about three years ago."

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People won't mess with you if you eat a cup of 
yogurt and then smash it on your forehead 
because you're tough and have healthy bowel 
movements.... 

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My wife complained that I never lift a finger around the house, 
so I did: the middle one. 

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When my wife tells me how to drive, I don't even hear her. 
I must have an auto immune disease. 

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A man in his sixties joined an online dating agency and 
began a correspondence with a woman of similar age. 
Eventually he suggested that they should meet and decided 
to be completely honest with her from the outset. 
He wrote, "I admit I am no oil painting. 
My entire face is covered in vivid red boils and I have a deep 
scar running across my forehead. 
I am 4 foot 11 inches tall, completely bald, 
I only have one eye, my left shoulder is six inches 
lower than my right and I walk with a pronounced limp. 
Meet you in the market square outside the bookshop at noon 
on Saturday."
She wrote back: "I am not concerned about your 
appearance and am looking forward to meeting you on 
Saturday. 
Could you please carry a copy of The Times so 
that I can recognize you." 

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"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, 
which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; 
and third by experience, which is the bitterest."   
- Confucius  

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I hate people who don't keep their mirrors clean, 
It reflects badly on them.

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I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. 
But I only nibble on it. 
I make the holes bigger.

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I got a chain letter by FAX. 
It's very simple. 
You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

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What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they 
stick to them!

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Liquor is a substance that makes married men 
see double and feel single...

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