Sunday, June 14, 2015



My friend's wife asked him, if she died tomorrow, 
when would he start sleeping with other women? 
He said, "about three years ago."

People won't mess with you if you eat a cup of 
yogurt and then smash it on your forehead 
because you're tough and have healthy bowel 

My wife complained that I never lift a finger around the house, 
so I did: the middle one. 

When my wife tells me how to drive, I don't even hear her. 
I must have an auto immune disease. 

A man in his sixties joined an online dating agency and 
began a correspondence with a woman of similar age. 
Eventually he suggested that they should meet and decided 
to be completely honest with her from the outset. 
He wrote, "I admit I am no oil painting. 
My entire face is covered in vivid red boils and I have a deep 
scar running across my forehead. 
I am 4 foot 11 inches tall, completely bald, 
I only have one eye, my left shoulder is six inches 
lower than my right and I walk with a pronounced limp. 
Meet you in the market square outside the bookshop at noon 
on Saturday."
She wrote back: "I am not concerned about your 
appearance and am looking forward to meeting you on 
Could you please carry a copy of The Times so 
that I can recognize you." 

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, 
which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; 
and third by experience, which is the bitterest."   
- Confucius  

I hate people who don't keep their mirrors clean, 
It reflects badly on them.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. 
But I only nibble on it. 
I make the holes bigger.

I got a chain letter by FAX. 
It's very simple. 
You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they 
stick to them!

Liquor is a substance that makes married men 
see double and feel single...