My friend's wife asked him, if she died tomorrow,
when would he start sleeping with other women?
He said, "about three years ago."
People won't mess with you if you eat a cup of
yogurt and then smash it on your forehead
because you're tough and have healthy bowel
My wife complained that I never lift a finger around the house,
so I did: the middle one.
When my wife tells me how to drive, I don't even hear her.
I must have an auto immune disease.
A man in his sixties joined an online dating agency and
began a correspondence with a woman of similar age.
Eventually he suggested that they should meet and decided
to be completely honest with her from the outset.
He wrote, "I admit I am no oil painting.
My entire face is covered in vivid red boils and I have a deep
scar running across my forehead.
I am 4 foot 11 inches tall, completely bald,
I only have one eye, my left shoulder is six inches
lower than my right and I walk with a pronounced limp.
Meet you in the market square outside the bookshop at noon
She wrote back: "I am not concerned about your
appearance and am looking forward to meeting you on
Could you please carry a copy of The Times so
that I can recognize you."
"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection,
which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest."
I hate people who don't keep their mirrors clean,
It reflects badly on them.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
But I only nibble on it.
I make the holes bigger.
I got a chain letter by FAX.
It's very simple.
You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they
stick to them!
Liquor is a substance that makes married men
see double and feel single...