Thursday, June 18, 2015



 Answering Machine Message 217
(Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the 
existential hotline of Ransheesh. 
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and 
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound 
of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you 
when the stars align properly.

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Things I trust More Than Hillary Clinton...
* Mexican tap water 
* A rattlesnake with a pet me sign 
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection 
* A fart when I have diarrhea 
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby 
* Michael Jackson's Doctor 
* An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran 
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle 
* Gas station Sushi 
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan 
* Brian Williams news reports 
* Loch Ness monster sightings 
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton 
* An Obama endorsement 

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” 
Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, 
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led 
him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. 
"But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" 
he protested. 
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond 
"That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me 
undress just to look at my toe." 
"That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. 
"I just came to fix the phones!"....

"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there 
when it goes off."

A supermarket hired two produce clerks named Gus.... 
That way they had a main and a spare. 
It's important for a produce department to have 
A spare of Gus.....

If Donald Trump is elected President.... 
Will we call the Vice President his Apprentice?

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon...
No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on 
the board and strut around like it won anyway.