••
♥
Answering Machine Message 217
(Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the
existential hotline of Ransheesh.
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound
of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you
when the stars align properly.
••
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
••
Things I trust More Than Hillary Clinton...
* Mexican tap water
* A rattlesnake with a pet me sign
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
* A fart when I have diarrhea
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
* Michael Jackson's Doctor
* An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle
* Gas station Sushi
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan
* Brian Williams news reports
* Loch Ness monster sightings
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton
* An Obama endorsement
••
Wife: “Was that lightning?!”
Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
••
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips,
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
••
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led
him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress.
"But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!"
he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond
nurse.
"That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me
undress just to look at my toe."
"That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle.
"I just came to fix the phones!"....
••
"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there
when it goes off."
••
A supermarket hired two produce clerks named Gus....
That way they had a main and a spare.
It's important for a produce department to have
A spare of Gus.....
••
If Donald Trump is elected President....
Will we call the Vice President his Apprentice?
••
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon...
No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on
the board and strut around like it won anyway.
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