Thursday, June 4, 2015



Just heard Caitlyn Jenner will have a new reality show. 
It will be called "Gender Renovation". 
Like those home remodeling shows, the audience will able to 
watch old parts being torn out and new parts installed. 
It should be a bloody hit. 

I find the most time consuming part of taking my dog for a 
walk is cleaning the poop off the treadmill. 

Husband - i have a problem ....
Wife - how many times must i tell you that it is "we," 
"we have a problem". 
Husband - Ok, sweetie, we have a problem. 
My secretary is having our baby..

A guy is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend 
when he's pulled over by the police. 
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been 
drinking, Sir?" 
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?" 
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. 
It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me 

A guy's on the electric chair. 
The warden's just about to pull the switch when 
the guy gets the hiccups. 
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
 The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you 
please do (hic)... could you please do something 
to scare me?"

Two women were bemoaning the state of the 
Health Service. 
One said, "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old 
mother has been waiting over a year for her 
"That's appalling," said the other woman. 
"What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."
"I know," said the first woman. 
"It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 
'Mum, do you really need bigger b**bs?'

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda 
Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked 
one of the corners off. 

The graduate with a science degree asks,
 'Why does it work?' 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
 'How does it work?' 
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
 'How much will it cost?' 
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
 'Do you want fries with that?' 

Little Johnny goes up to his mom and says,
"Mommy, I have a drinking problem. 
I need help."
His mom, of course, freaks out. 
She yells, "How did this happen?!"
She turns to her husband and says, "This is all 
your fault! 
You're the one that comes home drunk and gives 
such a bad example to all of our children."
He yells back, "Oh, I'm the one that does it? 
I do nothing but give to this family! 
Your the one that was drinking beer while br**st 
feeding when I told you not to!"
She yells, "Get out! You are a horrible person and 
I never want to see you again!"
He grabs his collection of stuff and yells, "Fine! 
I don't need you!" and he walks out of the door. 
Little Johnny is standing there crying, not 
knowing what to think of the situation other than 
he knows his dad is gone.
His mom turns to him and says, "Don't cry 
Johnny, it will be fine... Now just tell mommy all 
about your drinking problem and we will get 
you some help."
Little Johnny says, "Well... the problem is, 
if Amanda drinks 3 quarts of orange juice, and 
Suzy drinks 2, how much orange juice did they 

My doctor says I’m in the first stages of