Monday, June 8, 2015



I've accepted all my email offers... 
My Russian Super Model Bride, Asian Girlfriend with D's, 
and my 2,000,000 million lottery winnings will get here soon! 
Right after I send the money to them !!! :-) 

A place where women curl up and dye.
Someone who is fed up with people.
Animals you eat before they are born and after 
they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Cold Storage.
Something you tell to one person at a time.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

God made the cat in order that man might have 
the pleasure of caressing the lion.

My grandma found a lump in each of her breasts. 
Turns out it was just her knees.

A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding 
two years ago. 
Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce. 

You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for 
the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

If you lose one sense, your other senses 
That's why people with no sense of humor have 
an increased sense of self-importance. 

A patient in a mental hospital would put his ear 
to the wall and listen for several minutes. 
He continually did this every day. 
The doctor watched him do this day after day. 
Finally his curiosity got the best of him and the 
doctor put his ear up to the wall and listened. 
He heard nothing. 
The doctor turned to the mental patient and said, 
“I don’t hear anything.” 
The patient replied, “Yeah, I know. 
It’s been like that for months!” 

While he was visiting, my father asked for the 
password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, 
“Am I spelling this right? 

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look 
different,” I said. 
“They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and 
wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.