Wednesday, June 3, 2015



“I’m prescribing these diet pills for you,” said the doctor to the 
overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three
hundred pounds. 
“I don’t want you to swallow them. 
Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, 
one at a time….” 

So when Miley Cyrus sings and dances in the nude and licks 
hammers it is art. 
When I do it at Home Depot they make me leave....... 

Have you ever noticed times when you are waiting for someone 
to arrive and sometimes it seems as if they never will? 
But the moment you break wind-they come in immediately! 
Doctor's waiting room case in point!
Or worse, being all alone in the aisle of a grocery store and 
letting one rip then all of a sudden, here come other customers. 
Next time I'll take care of business in the deli section and blame 
it on their egg salad.  

WOMAN - Are you married? 
 MAN - Yes, but my wife's dead... 
 WOMAN - That's so sad, how did she die? 
 MAN - I don't know, I found her that way. 

I ONLY DRINK WATER That's been through a 
brewery first.... 

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting 
next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks 
the newcomer what he would like. 
The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, 
"I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. 
The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, 
"HEY! This isn't any good..... It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. 
That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, 
"Right Lou?" 

Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her 
cart unattended & the only thing I can grab 
before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps. 

First time flying huh?
Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. 
You wanna come down to your seat? 
The overhead bin is typically for luggage. 

 I live in fear that one day the real 
"World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to 
reclaim his rightful mug..

Fake friends are no different than
shadows, they stick around during
your brightest moments, but
disappear during your darkest hours.

My friend and I tried to start an erectile 
dysfunction club... 
but it flopped and nobody came.