••
♥
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
••
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin
swimming baths have announced they are closing
lanes 7 and 8.
••
Just once, I want to wake up Monday morning, turn on the
news and hear: "Monday been canceled go back to bed!"
••
A firefighter climbs the ladder to the bedroom
of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette.
"Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued
this month".
"But, I'm not pregnant!"
"You're not rescued yet!"
••
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and
sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until
he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter.
Of course, we were much younger then,
and more impressionable.
Love, Dad."
••
Mr. Hey, you are up before this court for being
drunk and disorderly.
Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honor......
I fell into bad company.
I met some nondrinkers in the park.”
“But why should that be bad?”
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to
drink it all myself.”
••
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2
minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going
to shift this beer belly.
••
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival
tactics from their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest
dangers.
That road out there,” instructed dad.
“There will be times that you need to cross it and
if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along.
But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the
middle of the road so it will go over you without
touching.
Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”
Dad went out into the middle of the road and
waited patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…”
He never finished speaking.
The two young sons heard a crunch as he was
flattened on the road.
I meant to ask him what we should do if a
3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.
••
There are three ways to get things done:
do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid
your kids to do it.
••
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol;
police say it's definitely race-related.
••••
