Wednesday, June 10, 2015




I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin 
swimming baths have announced they are closing 
lanes 7 and 8.

Just once, I want to wake up Monday morning, turn on the 
news and hear: "Monday been canceled go back to bed!" 

A firefighter climbs the ladder to the bedroom 
of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette. 
"Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued 
this month". 
"But, I'm not pregnant!" 
 "You're not rescued yet!"

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and 
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until 
he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. 
Of course, we were much younger then, 
and more impressionable. 
Love, Dad."

Mr. Hey, you are up before this court for being 
drunk and disorderly. 
Do you have anything to say in your defence?” 
“Yes, your honor......
I fell into bad company. 
I met some nondrinkers in the park.” 
“But why should that be bad?” 
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to 
drink it all myself.” 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 
minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going 
to shift this beer belly.
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival 
tactics from their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest 
That road out there,” instructed dad. 
“There will be times that you need to cross it and 
if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along. 
But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the 
middle of the road so it will go over you without 
Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.” 
Dad went out into the middle of the road and 
waited patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…”
He never finished speaking. 
The two young sons heard a crunch as he was 
flattened on the road. 
I meant to ask him what we should do if a 
3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.

There are three ways to get things done: 
do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid 
your kids to do it.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; 
police say it's definitely race-related.