Wednesday, June 17, 2015


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off 
with a vacuum cleaner. 
Talk about Dyson with death. 

Politics: poli, a Latin word meaning "many"; and tics, 
meaning "blood sucking creatures."

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle killer', 
who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, 
believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 

When ever a bird shits on my car.. 
I eat a plate of scrambles eggs on the front porch just to 
let them know what I am capable of ....

How many seconds are there in an hour? 
About eight when I take my wife to an all-you-can-eat buffet...

I bought a self-help tape the other day. 
It was called "How to handle disappointment." 
When I opened the box, it was empty.

In honor of Bruce Jenner I want to announce... 
I'm feeling like a woman today. 
I hope my wife doesn't object to another person watching 
TV with us tonight. 

Father and son  in a grocery store by the condoms. 
Son asks, "What are these?" 
Dad answers "One packs are for high school kids 
on Friday night." 
Son asks , "What about these two packs?" 
"For college kids, one for Friday, one for Saturday." 
Son asks, "What about these 12 packs?" 
Dad answers, "For married men. One for January,
one for February..." 

What is the traditional Italian version of 
One Mary, one Jesus, thirty two wise guy's. 

My wife is allergic to peanuts.
She breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.