Wednesday, June 24, 2015



Everyone knows she can't get pregnant if she's on top.
It's called gravity, stupid. 

I just looked at my Timex... 
And it says clearly waterproof to 400 feet. 
 If I suddenly find myself 400 feet under water, 
 The very last thing I want to look at is my watch. 

Chicago is definitely the windy city. 
A man in a fur suit and fur hat just asked me if 
I've been blown today. 

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a 
blender with sticky hyenas.

You should never run away from your problems. 
Unless your problem is you're being chased by a 

I have a big problem! My sex tape was leaked to
all kinds of websites, blogs, Reddit, posted on 
social media, Facebook, Twitter, uploaded to 
YouTube, and many other popular sites on the 
internet, but after all that effort, I can't get 
anyone to watch it.  

Hey, I'm not lazy.
I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide all day long 
without complaining. 

At what point in time were cats being stored in 
bags so frequently that they had to come up with 
the phrase: "the cat's out of the bag"? 

If I am ever on life support, unplug me... 
then plug me back in, see if that works. 

I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about 
not interacting unless we're both pointing at the 
same tornado.

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part 
in several night time exercises. 
Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh 
from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up 
a conversation. 
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. 
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." 
I asked, "What's the difference?" 
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a 
university education."