Monday, June 15, 2015



Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks 
him for a photo shoot. 
I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

Father James started off Sunday Mass... 
Explaining why he had a band aide on his face. 
"I was thinking about my sermon this morning while 
shaving and cut myself" he then proceeded with his 
usual half hour sermon. 
After Mass, Frank came up to Fr. James and said,
"you should have been thinking about your shaving 
and cut your sermon" 

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for 
our anniversary..... 
Wife, "How about somewhere I haven't been in a long time......." 
Me, "How about the kitchen....." 
And that's when the fight started...........

In Amish country in Pennsylvania, there's a town called 
Intercourse, a town called Blue Ball, and a town called Lititz. 
I keep my wife real close to me when traveling through there. 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning 
and a good ending; and to have the two as close together 
as possible.   ~George Burns 

What would men be without women?
 Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.    ~Mark Twain  

By all means, marry. 
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
 if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.   ~Socrates 

I was married by a judge. 
I should have asked for a jury.     ~Groucho Marx 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 
Every now and then she stops to breathe.    ~Jimmy Durante 

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness 
and kindness, can be trained to do most things.    ~Jilly Cooper

 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential 
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.   ~Alex Levine