"The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job.
My wife told me."
Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town!
This guy, caught up in the fitness craze, joined a club that
offered a reasonably priced membership.
Not surprisingly, he never went after the first month.
Even so, a year later he hurried back to renew.
"Do you guys have a name for people like me who join
and never show up?" he jokingly asked the man behind
"Sure," he responded with a grin.... "Profit."
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture.
Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time.
I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their
way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on
every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even
before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh, I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"
What do you call a thug with a regular job, who doesn’t drive
a lowrider, sleeps in the same bed every night,
doesn’t collect welfare, and doesn’t rape women?
The wife was counting all the penny's and nickels out on the
kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started
shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
“I applied for a position at the hair-replacement company
because I heard there was growth potential.”
A man who recently bought a brand new car was somewhat
reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession –
even to a grocery store only a few blocks from their house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, “remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper
will print your age!”
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA,
it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”