Dropping your ice cream hurts...
I cramped up while watching the New York City Marathon.
Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous...
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start
stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right
ear and mail it to him.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to
paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour
starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an
So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months."
The Sunday School teacher asked, “Gus, do you think Noah
did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” said Gus.
“How could he with just two worms?”
"Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the
When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me,
if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary."
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest
preachers at a nearby black Houston Church,
I decided to check them out in person and see what it
was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why,
maybe it was because I was the only white person in the
He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus
the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. ”
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God,
and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. ”
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold,
my damn car had been stolen…
Picked up some Fresh Linen spray at the store....
now my bathroom smells like I shit the bed..
One Thanksgiving, a friend and I were walking
down a main street in Albany when a man comes
up to me and gives me a turkey and says,
Without hesitation my friend knocks him out.
I asked my friend why he punched the nice man.
My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"
*Dentist's waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So... I guess you have teeth, too?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats,
bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars.
The real test would be a movie about coworkers.