Tuesday, June 30, 2015



I guess he likes KFC chicken..

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday". 
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Whenever I see a sign on the door that reads 
'fire exit' I think the guy who put it there mustn't 
know fires can't read.

Religion as Baseball;
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. 
Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, 
stuffed crust, extra toppings.

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, 
but asked to be excused because she didn't 
believe in capital punishment and didn't want 
her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from 
running its proper course. 
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness 
and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that 
she was appropriate to serve on the jury. 
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder 
It's a simple civil lawsuit. 
A wife is bringing this case against her husband 
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had 
promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her 
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. 
I guess I could be wrong about capital 
punishment after all." 

If I had known I was going to have this much 
sh*t to do at work today, I wouldn't have come 
in sober. 

The hardest part about having an ugly child is 
lying to them when they ask you if you love them. 

When I text you a whole paragraph and you text 
me back 40 minutes later saying "K." 
Are you asking to be punched?

Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, 
via the World Wide Whiff. 

I always go to the fattest kid at the concession
stand to buy popcorn at the movies because he 
knows how to butter it properly. 

Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A: A frostitute. 

Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother 
To be as rich as his child believes. 
To have as many women as his wife suspects...


Monday, June 29, 2015

Ugly Dog...


I was going through airport customs and they asked me, 
"Do you have any firearms?" 
Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the answer they 
were looking for.

If Plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. 
There are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to 
construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, 
 There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand 
and said he could make a sentence with them; 
"The cow jumped over defense and detail went 
over defeat."

She wanted more communication and I wanted 
So we compromised and now we communicate 
more or less....

The early bird gets the worm. 
But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 

“Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.”

My doctor told me: 
"I can't do any thing for your illness, it's hereditary."
I told him to send the bill to my father.....

You might be a redneck if...
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil 
as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at 
a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 
You own all the components of soap on a rope 
except the soap. 
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em 
in the shade. 
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

A homeowner hears a knock at the door. 
 "Who's there" 
 "Atch Who?" 
 "God Bless You" 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when 
you really like someone? 
That’s common sense leaving your body.


Sunday, June 28, 2015


Silly Goose...

I don't know...
I grew up eating these.....


I don't know if laughter is the "best" medicine, 
but I do like that it doesn't have a $35 co-pay. 

Senior's Texting Code for all my blogger Friends; 
BMH - Broke My Hip 
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner 
TOT - Texting on Toilet 
LOL - Little Old Lady 
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out 
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was 
CBM - Covered By Medicare 
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement 
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To 
BFF - Best Friends Funeral 
IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On 
ROFLACGU - Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can't Get Up 
TTML - Talk To Me Louder 
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair 
ATD - At The Doctors 
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth 
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again 
OMSG - Oh My, Sorry Gas 
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low 
BFF - Best Friend Fell 

“I started dating the girl across the street. 
I know what people say, but honestly, lawn 
distance relationships aren't that hard.”

When they put "unknown" at the end of a quote, 
that means they probably don't know how to spell 
anonymous - 

Just scrached my crotch while trying to 
swat a fly and four people told me I was a good 

As I was going through my wallet, 
for a second I thought I got robbed... 
And then I remembered I got gas. 

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. 
That is 13,505 sit-ups. 
And not ONE ab to show for it.

I just gave my secretary a baby shower. 
Well, a potential baby shower. 
If you know what I mean. 

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the 
morning and was always late for work. 
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire 
him if he didn't do something about it. 
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill 
and told him to take it before he went to bed. 
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the 
morning by almost two hours. 
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully 
to work. 
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" 
"That's all fine" said the boss, 
"But where were you yesterday?"

Scientists have discovered that people will believe 
anything when you say "scientists have discovered 

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself 
to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the 
police as "Quiet and keeps to himself." 


Saturday, June 27, 2015



My wife told me that obesity is in her genes. 
I told her that isn't true, she looks fat in a skirt as well....

First the rebel flag, now it's packaging.... 
Some folks want cotton banned from the drug bottles..... 
Because they find it offensive to have to pick the cotton out.  

Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, 
an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s 
offensive remarks about Mexicans. 
Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant 
so Univision can’t get back in. 

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. 
I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the 
card was stolen...

You know you are addicted to the Internet when:
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you 
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, 
even though you've never had heart problems before. 
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have 
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can 
hear if new e-mail arrives. 
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind 
you of what she looks like. 
All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, 
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 
Your dog has its own home page. 
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 

“I visited an acupuncturist today. 
I was done in under an hour, he was quick and to the point.”

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had 
received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family 
on their way to church. 
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, 
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with 
their mothers and fathers." 
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, 
"So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" 

My daughter may only be one year old today, 
but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth 
grade level. 

British researchers have discovered around
8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient
Egyptian  burial ground. 
To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel 
all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard. 

 Why would America make the bald eagle its 
national bird when all they do is attack things 
and fly away and never mind I think I get it now.

Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. 
Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" 
warning on it?  
It just looked so delicious. 


Friday, June 26, 2015


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments 
posted in a courthouse is this: 
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not 
Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building 
full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

What's another term for... 
a camper zipped up in a sleeping bag? 

Q: Why are there no televisions in Afghanistan? 
A: Because of the Telly-ban!

Stone Mountain officials in Georgia just announced they 
passed an order to change the Confederate Memorial carving 
of Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis to 
Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian. 

Following the leak of of Kim Kardashian's 
nude pics, her personal assistant has been sacked 
for the delay.

I just gave my wife a last minute gift for her birthday. 
I put the toilet seat down. 

Preventing childhood obesity 
is as easy as taking candy from a baby. 

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the 
other day. 
She was a bouncer. 

I've been feeling down for so long that I finally 
decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts 
then waited for the profound wisdom of the 
psychiatrist to make me feel better.
 The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took 
some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few 
minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
 Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of 
delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your 
problem is low self-esteem. 
It is very common among losers."

Motels 1 through 5 must've really been dumps.

Seems like most rioting in the world happens in 
countries with the least bacon.