Friday, May 22, 2015


Who left the box open???


A Redneck went to the sheriff’s department to report that his 
wife was missing. 
Redneck: My wife is missing. 
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. 
Sergeant: What is her height? 
Redneck: Gee, I’m not sure..... A little over five-feet tall. 
Sergeant: Weight? 
Redneck: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. 
Sergeant: Color of eyes? 
Rn: Never noticed. 
Sergeant: Color of hair? 
Rn: Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown. 
Sergeant: What was she wearing? 
Rn: Could have been a skirt or shorts. 
I don’t remember exactly. 
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? 
 Rn: She went in my truck. 
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? 
Rn: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost
engine special ordered with manual transmission. 
It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. 
Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. 
Trailering package with gold hitch. 
DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 
and four power outlets. 
Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. 
Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. 
At this point the Redneck started choking up. 
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy..... We’ll find your truck. 

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous 
if you've got Alzheimer's. 

My friends wife left him last Thursday, she said
she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back! 
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, 
I've been using that powdered stuff."       

What a great guy my uncle was. Everywhere he went, 
he lit up the room. 
He's doing 10 years for arson.

I knew I was going bald........................ 
when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face. 

A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to 
show her how to get to the hospital. 
So I pushed her under a bus. 

My wife kept complaining that she needed more space, 
so I locked her out of the house. 

I'm not afraid of identity theft.
Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call 
you a failure.

Signs you're drinking too much coffee: 
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
You can jump start your car without cables. 
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
You grind coffee beans in your mouth. 
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 
You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's 
not plugged in.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. 
‘Tell me,’ says one. ‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’ 
‘No,’ says the other..... ‘I think we were with the Prudential.’