Tomorrow I'm opening the time capsule I buried
as a kid.
Can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
poured me a bowl of cheerios....
Looked in the fridge for milk and to my surprise I was out.
OK beerios it is.....
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,"
little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after
"It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle...... "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said.
"My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
So you go to Costco and buy the variety cookies;
do you eat the macadamia or the chocolate chip cookies first?
Don't get me wrong... the oatmeal raisin are good, but they're
the last to go, no?
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper
sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter
in the meter and turned the dial.
It worked perfectly.
As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner
rushed out of a nearby building.
“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the
meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”
I'm so poor...
I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.
Went to an employment agency.
I said I would like a job where I can start at the top.
They offered me a job digging graves.
Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent
freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
I got a restraining order from the
Costco bagel sample lady.
I hate helping my wife do housework.
Washing dishes, mopping the floor, doing the laundry, etc.
Then six months later I have to do it all over again.
I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as
you learn how to blame them on other people...
You don't need a hunting licence if you shoot a turkey and
plant a very small gun on him..