Sunday, May 10, 2015

# 2700


Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” 
You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not 
going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. 
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, 
"I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever 
succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner 
for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.....

A woman called in a repairman to mend her 
Just as he finished, the woman heard her 
husband's key in the lock. 
"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have 
to hide. 
My husband is insanely suspicious."
There was no time to run out of the back door, 
so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down on his 
favourite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV the repairman was all squinched 
up getting hotter and hotter. 
Finally, he couldn't stand it any more. 
He climbed out, marched across the room and 
out of the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his 
wife, looked back at the set again and said, 
"I didn't see the referee send that guy off the 
field, did you?" 

I'm in the Guinness book.
Not the world records one, the one at the brewery 
that's says which people are not allowed back. 

I took a girl out last night. 
We had a lovely romantic meal. 
We got on very well and we went 
 back to my house and we made love. 
Afterwards, she asked me what I did for a living. 
I told her I was a  well-paid basketball ball player. 
I'm now on rape charges. 

Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow 
Johnny: I want to follow in my father's footsteps 
and be a policeman. 
Teacher: I didn't know your father was a 
Johnny: He isn't, he's a burglar. 

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures 
was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's 
license photo. 

Job interview.....
HR: What's your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?