Thursday, May 7, 2015



The swimming pool in the Titanic is still full.

Border patrol has new test for border crossers. 
Unlike in the past, everyone was asked for his citizenship, 
now ICE uses a simpler test. 
A 55 gallon barrel is filled with Hellman's mayonnaise, 
then the person is lowered into the barrel. 
If the person floats, then he is a US citizen. 
If he starts to flounder, then he is Mexican . 
Of course this test is called Sinko de Mayo. 

For the life of me, I can’t understand why 
small and medium pizzas exist. 

It’s only every seven years... 
that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and 
Cinco De Mayo on the same day....

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
Because every time they try to pronounce 
"election" everyone starts to giggle....

The difference between drinking on... 
Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... 
nobody pretends to be a Mexican. 

I have plaque control toothpaste. 
I still have plaque, but it is under control.

A man and woman were having marriage 
problems, and decided to end their union after 
a very short time together. 
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple 
went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought 
you to this point, where you are not able to keep 
this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been 
together, we haven't been able to agree on one 
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, 
I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime. 

No dictionary has ever been able to define the 
difference between "complete" and "finished." 
However, in a linguistic conference, held in 
Honolulu, Hawaii and attended by some of the 
best linguistics in the world, one of them was very 
clever in a contest between members. 
One finalist in the competition was asked this 
challenge question: 
Some say there is no difference between "
complete" and "finished." 
Please explain the difference in a way that will be 
easily understood. 
His response was: 
When you marry the right woman, you are 
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." 
And, when the right one catches you with the 
wrong one, you are "completely finished." 
His answer received a standing ovation. 

I only have one drink per day. 
This one is for January 11, 2053.