Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Spam pizza.....ewwwwww


Trying to Please Mama....
The first woman was elected U.S. president. 
She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the 
"I don’t know, dear..... What would I wear?”
"Don’t worry, Mom...... I’ll send a designer to help you.”
"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”
"Mom, I’m going to the president. 
I can get you the food you need.”
"But how will I get there?”
"I’ll send a limo, Mom..... Just come!”
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future 
cabinet members. 
She nudged the man on her right. 
“See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? 
Her brother’s a doctor!” 

A Very Special Cow.....
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained 
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, 
but he refused to get rid of it. 
So when the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, 
his family was delighted. 
Nonetheless, they called the police.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was 
on the phone. 
"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to 
restrain himself. 
"It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk."

A blonde was applying for a job as a prison guard. 
The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. 
Do you think you can handle it?" 
"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, 
out they go!"

It was the opening day of the big winter sale. 
Rumors and the advertising in the local paper were the main 
reason for the long queue that had formed by 8:30, the opening 
time, in front of the shop. 
A small man pushed his way to the front of the queue, 
only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. 
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the 
jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of 
the queue again. 
As he got up a second time, he said to the person at the end 
of the line: "That does it! If they hit me once more, 
I won't open the shop!" 

 [drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
 "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock."
 "Not a chance. He's your problem now."

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, isn’t it? 
Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

I put my air conditioner in backwards. 
It got cold outside. 
The weatherman on TV was confused. 
"It was supposed to be hot today."

This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside 
food into the movies." 
...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles. 

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a 
barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and 
knocked the ladder over. 
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue 
working because someone would surely come around by 
quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of 
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided 
there was only one way down. 
On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. 
I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! 
How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" 
Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.
He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up 
to your ankles?"
Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"