Sunday, May 24, 2015



Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's 
in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until 
one m&m cracks. 
I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes 
the champion. 
Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the 
champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. 
I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one 
m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the 
champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: 
"Please use this m&m for breeding purposes." 

I forgot the words.... 

Some people see things as they are and ask, why? \
Others see things that never were and ask, 
"Where's my medication?" 

On a bad dinner date? 
Bump the table with your knee to make the 
water in your glass ripple. 
Claim a T-Rex is coming. 
Sprint out the door.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a
shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

"My computer just crashed"... 
is going to be a much more serious statement when 
self-driving cars are the norm. 

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer....

A German shepherd craps on my lawn every day. 
What's worse, today he brought his dog. 

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. 
I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead. 

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went 
for a stroll in the park. 
They sat down on a bench to rest. 
They overheard voices coming from a secluded 
Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man 
was about to propose. 
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate 
moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 
"Whistle and let that young couple know that 
someone can hear them." 
Murphy said, "Whistle? 
Why should I whistle? 
Nobody whistled to warn me."

A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...
Him: Its a door knocker.