Thursday, May 21, 2015



My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still 
love me?"
I said: "Of course I would.
I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

A man has been trying to get on a game show for a number of
He finally gets the show, and is doing well, until the
$50, 000 question. 
The host says, "Okay Bob, you're doing well,
and here's the $50, 000 question!! 
It's a two part question, you can answer either part first." 
"OK, says Bob, I'll go for it.
I'll take the second part first." 
The host says, "OK, here is the second part of the question; 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths 
have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

My wife phoned me all in tears and said 
"You better come to the hospital,My mother hasn't got long 
to live!" 
I replied; "But honey, it's the big game tonight." 
She said "Record it and watch it later." 
You should have seen her face when I turned up at the 
hospital And dropped off the camcorder and the tripod. 

The best place to meet new women is outside a sex change 

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square,
 thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...

My favorite part about waking up really early in the morning 
is when I don't have to do that.

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced 
the annual conflict of which was more important - 
the football games on television, or the dinner itself. 
To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, 
and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation 
before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. 
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously 
even bought a cold drink for me. 
She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the 
score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and 
that the score was still nothing to nothing." 
See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

I split up with the old lady last night.  
She said I think about football more than i think about her. 
I was devastated , I've been with her 6 seasons 

"Look at this bitch flashing her gang signs at me!"
"Grandma please, she's deaf..."